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an 80-year-old man who has been marred three times (yet
sexually attracted to men all my life), I feel I have
had the good fortune to have loved both men and women
during my (as yet unconcluded) lifetime. I do not feel
"transgender” per se, but as if two different people
cohabitate in one body, reacting differently in
different situations. Neither do I feel
"transsexual", just blessed with the ability to explore
the richness of an unencumbered sexual life well into my
later years.
 While I am attracted to both masculine women and
feminine men, I find that I am stimulated by the male
body differently than that of the female body. After a
lifetime of attempting to fit in – by trying to reject
and stifle my unique sexual passions -- I’ve concluded
that I inhabit an area where the dichotomous poles of
male and female sexual experience overlap – a zone of
sexual desire “somewhere in-between”.
If you were to meet me you might notice that my
appearance and voice is neither male nor female, but
rather a curious mixture of both. I do not feel that I
strongly belong to either group, making it hard to fit
within the social priorities that our society insists
upon. To be certain, I was born with male genitalia,
but higher up in the abdominal area than other typically
"masculine" men. I have more breast tissue than most
men, with nipples so sensitive that they have become the
key to my sexual arousal and response at this later
stage in life (in the absence of an erection,
stimulating my nipples can often produce multiple,
long-lasting orgasms). I have noticed that some men
have no sensitivity in their breasts, while many others
have only limited sensitivity. And if pornographic
portrayals are to be believed, men with sensitive
nipples appear to dominate gay pornography.
The embarrassment of having a smaller than average sized
penis located higher in my body than what was considered
normal was difficult to deal with as a teenager, but as
time went on, it did not seem to be a hindrance to
having sex with men or women. And while my sexual
experiences with women were often less than outstanding,
my sexual experiences with men didn’t seem to suffer
from lack of size. Perhaps it is a cliché, but a
romantic feeling of love for my partner definitely has
to be present in order for me to respond sexually with
men or women, otherwise it is difficult for me to become
aroused. Masturbation would often provide the only
satisfactory sexual experience for me and considerable
manipulation of my nipples while massaging the head of
my penis would be necessary for full release. For me,
this results in strong, lengthy multiple orgasms -- just
as I might experience if I were a woman massaging her
clitoris. When my sexual partner stimulates my breasts,
I don’t have trouble at all in responding sexually with
either sex.
I’ve often wondered whether these elements common to
both sexes -- nipples and genitalia -- are the “missing
link” for those of us “in-between”. After all, isn’t it
only a specific mix of various hormones found in both
males and females that makes a child distinctly male or
distinctly female? Not every baby will have the
necessary mix; variations are bound to occur in a
percentage of all newborns. Those of us who believe we
were born with a balance of male and female hormones can
only be glad that our “abnormality” allows us to relate
to being both male and female and follow our sexual
bliss with whatever sex that might be.
In the gay community, I have observed a wide range of
men whose appearance and mannerisms are very feminine,
very masculine, or somewhere “in-between”. My
observations of human sexual behavior tell me that there
is no such creature as someone who is “totally male” or
“totally female,” regardless of body structure and our
attempts to separate everyone into those two extreme
categories. I often wonder whether this purely
intellectual, dichotomous categorization of the sexes is
an attempt to buttress the current social/religious
value placed on procreation – and to ostracizing people
like myself who are genetically in-between male and
female.
Physical gender often fools us into believing that it is
the only criteria for deciding how we live our lives.
Many children are born without identifiable genitalia
and their true gender identity only erupts at puberty,
when their emotions collide with their physical
development. The all too familiar (and all too painful)
social anxieties of junior high causes many young people
to hide their true feelings and true sexual orientation,
creating a phobia of anything "not normal". The trauma
that many differently gendered young people endure
greatly affects how young people develop their
personality and sexual identity, threatening their
safety and sanity at the same time.
As a bisexual man born in the early 20th
century, I grew up in a society that pressured me to
choose a heterosexual lifestyle and conform in order to
survive and succeed within its norms. The social
changes of the past 60 years has lead to a better
acceptance of those of us who are "queer" but is just
beginning to acknowledge and accommodate those of us
with both male and female inner selves. Society is
slowly warming to the idea that people ought to be free
to follow their sexual orientation and desires without
choosing a gender role or lifestyle based on the
approval from others.
Growing up in the 1930s in a small rural town was not
the best situation for exploring unconventional sexual
identities. During my teenage years, I did not feel
comfortable to freely explore my sexuality with either
men or women. By the time I was 25, I dove headfirst
into a marriage that I was not prepared for in order to
put an end to my gender anxieties. So began a life of
denial... (continue reading)
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5 COMMENTS ON THIS ESSAY:
I think this is such a wonderful essay! Unlike any I have read before and unbelievably close to my own thoughts and experiences as a queer man. I use the term "queer" because after years of struggling with my gender identity, I came to the realization that I did not fit into the social binary for sexual orientation (homosexual/heterosexual), any more than I fit into the binary for gender (masculine/feminine).
Gender, throughout my life, has always been a fluctuating form of expression. I cannot say with certainty that at any given moment of my life I was neither entirely masculine, nor entirely feminine. In fact, I do not believe it is possible for such a standard to be achieved -it is rather ridiculous to consider ANY extreme as a natural component of reality. Thus, while I always felt comfortable "being a man", my expression of such a biological categorization included anything from playing with buoyant torpedos in the pool to sitting at the shore of the ocean, with my feet touching the water, writing emotive poetry.
I think that this masculine to feminine flux is an essential part of the human experience, and no matter how much we may try to force ourselves to abide by binary laws, it will always play a role in who we are and how we evolve.
Sexual orientation is no different. Throughout my adolescence, dealing with the fact that I was not automatically stimulated by any member of the opposite sex, led me to believe I must be a homosexual. Yet, upon meeting the woman who has now been my girlfriend for 3 and a half years, I was able to discover a new form of connection with women based entirely on love, which allowed me to liberate my dormant sexual desires toward them.
This did not, however, mean that I was attracted to men any less. In fact, I came to realize that my sexual arousals by men were as common as those I observed in my male peers upon encountering an attractive woman walking down the street. Thus, my sexual evolution has been a process of coming to terms with my unique sexual affinity with my girlfriend, as well as controlling the impulse-driven lust I experienced around men.
William is right in that I have been very fortunate, and I honor the millions of individuals in the generations before me that had to struggle perilously against homophobic oppressions in order to assure me the liberties that I have now.
Why is William defined as gay in his introduction, even though he specifically refers to himself as bisexual in his essay?
In response to Amanda's comment, the introduction was provided by William. And so that was what was printed.
I loved it. However I am to bitter growing up watching people hate me because I have always been openly gay. I lived through the aids 80s and watch so many of my friends die.The young you mentioned celebrating there sexuality do not care or ackowledge what we suffered so they can be them.Yes I guess it makes me bitter.So stop and ask a twenty year old twink about the suffering of the generation that gave them there freedom.
I LOVE this... and @Amanda, I wouldn't say that the author is BISEXUAL at all, merely genderqueer, as bisexuality denotes on sexuality/gender who likes two different genders (usually biomale and biofemale). I can relate to being nonbinary completely. Born into a female body, and probably have a high concentration of testosterone in my system, although never officially found out whether it is the case or not, as it doesn't really matter to me whether I do or not, as it would never make a difference in who I am or where I identify myself. I have been with many people along my sexual journey in this lifetime. Biomale, biofemal, straight,gay, female to male transgender, transgender identified, etc... I do not see myself as male or female. I am both or none. I don't identify gender rolls as a specific gender, and I don't use labels anymore to describe who I am... I am Zan. I am Zan-sexual. I like what Zan likes. I am neither male nor female. I am Zan. I enjoyed reading this posting very much. Thank you for writing it!